Drinking with cops

With the little lady being away in Vegas for the weekend, I knew it would be a pretty rough ride on my part. Otis O'Flannigan called at noon on Saturday and asked if I'd be interested in feasting at the Chinese buffet and then making our way to some local watering hole for a few afternoon cocktails. I told him this sounded like a wonderful idea and I'd be awaiting his arrival. We found ourselves planted in front of heaping dishes in no time.

"I told my cold before I left 'You better be able to swim because I'm about to drown you in booze,'" I explained to Otis as I popped a handful of cold medicine into my mouth. I then took a picture of my plate of food and sent a text to XL.

ME: Guess where I'm at?
XL: A soup kitchen?
Me: Guess again. You can blame this place for at least one hundred pounds of your recent weight gain.
XL: Are you washing dishes to eat again?
Me: No, your girlfriend's paying.

This ended my brief text exchange with XL.

We finished enough food to put the Chinese in the negative and moved our business elsewhere. We found ourselves in front of 40 draft beers and licked our chops. Otis began to pester the bartender for free samples as I decided on my first victim. "I wonder if anyone has ever finished all 40 drafts in one sitting," I said as the bartender looked towards us in disbelief.

"I'd start with the easy beers and use the hard ones to finish me off in the end," Otis responded as the bartender continued to ease drop. She probably thought we were joking but we were honestly weighing our options and putting together a strategic plan for the feat.

I decided to text Mark.

Me: You wanna me and Otis for drinks?
Mark: You gotta be kidding me! Kenny is in Florida drinking. You and Otis are drinking. Dirt Dog and Big Swools just called and said they are drinking and Walnuts and XL are in Pittsburgh drinking. It's 1 o'clock in the afternoon! I need to reassess my friends.
Me: Maybe you need to reassess yourself.

9 to 11 hours later

All four drinking parties managed to come together in one spot. We no longer needed to poke fun at one another via text when we could now exchange insults face-to-face. We found ourselves drinking with a few of America's finest, the local police. I began to explain to one of the off-duty officers why I have a serious problem with the police because of the unnecessary bullying by young cops. This isn't recommended unless you're willing to face a police beating for your next minor traffic violation. I tend to get loose in the tongue when boozing for over 10 hours so my actions were not considered dangerous at the time. I was surprised when the cop agreed with me so I decided to buy them shots. This would most likely earn me a get-out-of-jail card for any future indiscretions.

We did shots, hugged, and for the first time, I realized these officers may be some of the finest walking the beat. I don't know how long we drank with the officers but it was for a good bit of time. At some point during the night, Dirt Dog approached the officers and uttered one of the greatest lines ever spoken. He said, "Excuse me, officers. In my current condition, what would be the best route for me to go home?"

The officers exchanged glances and then informed him of a back road where nobody travels and few officers patrol. Dirt Dog exited the bar. I believe I crawled the three blocks back to my place a short time later.

You know, there are some really good cops out there.