Eliminating cable - Comcast Sucks

I purchased my cable television package at a cost of 85 dollars a month, which included all the channels, HBO and high speed internet. It was a glorious time in the household, watching anything I wanted, flipping with reckless abandon, wondering if I would ever run out of channels to watch. I could watch Hitler attempt to take over the world and only moments later watch as a lion ripped the throat from a gazelle - the perfect cable package for children and adults a like.

These good days would come to an end. I received my newest bill and it seems the cost had gone from 85 dollars a month to $185 a month. I called the cable company, "What the hell is this!"

"Can we help you sir?"

"Why is my bill 185 dollars!"

"Let me take a look for you, sir."

I don't like it when they call me sir, especially when they're raping me. Sir, would you mind dropping your pants and bending over? Thank you, sir. We'll be done in a few moments.

"I see what happened, sir. It seems your introductory offer has expired," he continued.

"Well bring it back," I said.

"I'm afraid we can't do that," he said.

"Well cancel all my shit. I don't need it."

This is where they will try to console the victim after the assault. Somehow make you feel as though this whole thing was your fault, you shouldn't have dressed in such a provocative fashion when you purchased your high speed modem.

"How can we make this right? Can we offer you high speed internet at $24.99 a month?" He asked.

I tried to use my best sulking tone, "I guess that's a start. What else you got? I want my cable cheaper."

"I'm sorry sir but that is the best we can do on the cable."

"Well get rid of it. I'll just keep the internet for $24.99 a month."

"Oh, that will be a problem. You can't get that price on the internet without cable. Internet will cost $49.99 a month without the cable."

"Jesus Christ!"

"Sir! I think we can give you the very basic cable package and high speed internet for $38.99 a month."

We were finally getting somewhere. Just threaten them with Jesus and they'll crumble. It may not seem like it, but most Americans believe in God so a Holy Shit!, Jesus Christ! Good God! will usually get them singing your tune in no time.

"That's more like it. I'll take it."

"Ok, we'll get a technician out there asap."

"A technician? What for? I'm not paying for that shit?"

"A technician needs to swap out the premium package for a basic package," the customer service rep explained.

"Bullshit! You don't send a technician when I forget to pay my bill. You shut me down with the click of a button and turn me right back on the moment I pay my bill. I'm not buying that."

Scenario:

The burly man climbs the weather-beaten pole that once spent its days as a thriving tree. Now it serves as a carrier of cable lines and out-of-shape men and women. He reaches the top of the pole, positions himself near a group of intersecting cable lines. He locks in his lanyard and gets comfortable just as his cell phone rings. It's his wife. "Oh, no, I can talk. No, I'm not busy. I just have to yank a few of these cable lines and act like I'm doing something up here." He burst into laughter as he looks to me standing below. "Yeah...yeah, another customer who thinks we actually do shit up here," he laughs and continues, "I'll be home by six.

Little does he know, but he'll be in the hospital by six, because I have just removed my chainsaw from the trunk of my car.

"Someone has to come out and change the set-up," the rep continues.

"Forget it! Cancel all my shit."

The rep then explained how they needed to send a tech out to disconnect service. I explained how they can send whomever they want but I'm not paying for any of it.

I don't need cable. I have a library card, where books, cd's and movies are all free. Comcast can kiss my ass. If I want to watch tv, I'll spend a little time shopping for televisions.

"Sir, why do you keep bringing a chair into our store? Please shop for tv's elsewhere."

"Stop calling me 'sir.'"